Hey y'all. I broke up with my boyfriend, moved out of Hoboken, quit my job, got a new job, moved a new place, got a new boyfriend, quit my job, got a new job...and now I'm thinking of quitting again. Kurt Vonnegut died. That sums up everything. Let's move out from here.

So, here's the deal: before, I was angry and frustrated because I wasn't getting where I wanted to go. Now, we find our hero, two years later, angry and frustrated because I don't know where I want to go in the first place. I got lost! I know, technically, I"m supposed to be wanting my english degree, but all I do is dream about being Gina Trapani. Or, you know, someone who blogs for a living.

In my head, this entry was going to be elegant, but I realize now it's just going to be emo. The fact of the matter is, I don't know what the fuck I'm doing or why. I've ended up with a career (boo hoo!) that I'm successful in, desirable in, and really have no interest in continuing, except for the mad money I'm making doing it. It's not soul sucking, but it's certainly not fulfilling in any way.

At the end of the day, it seems like I"m always lonely. I was lonely in hoboken, I'm lonely here, I'm going to be lonely if I move to California, or France or wherever else. I've tried medication, I'm in therapy, I exercise, I eat right, I dunno. I'm trying to think about when I don't feel lonely. I don't feel lonely when I write something good. I don't feel lonely when I'm working on a project at work. I don't feel lonely when I'm actually alone and I have time to myself. All the rest of the time, I feel pretty lonely. Weird, right?

This entry was bound to suck. I'm rusty. Give me a few days.

j

Hi Grandpa -

That's so nice you're promoting my book so much!

I have to be frank with you, though (and eventually must be frank with
my parents and family members - our school librarian has already
chosen not to purchase a copy for our school library after I gave her
a copy of the galleys). This has been a long time coming and I've
been nervous since I wrote it: The book is good. I think it is. I
think people are honest with me when they say it is. I posted copies
on online forums a few years ago and I received several fan letters -
it's meant something to a good number of people already. However,
there is material in there that, honestly, if I were a parent, I
wouldn't want a child of mine reading if they were under the age of 14
or 15. This content includes: vulgar language, sexual situations,
excessive under-age drinking, and an entire story where the main
character has an eating disorder - and suffers no bad consequences.
It is, in no way, reflective of values I hold or of a life I'd choose
for myself, but it is something I wrote to be reflective of teenage
life as I saw it in high school. I work in a high school now. I hear
what goes on. Things are still messy and vulgar and confusing (they
always have been, always will be). Most of the stuff in the book is
stuff the kids I work with have already seen, done, or at the very
least, felt - but that doesn't make it OK to give it legitimacy in
print, though.

My editor personally does not view this as a Young Adult Book. It is
being sold as one because it has no other category, really, and the
primary interested audience will be teenagers. However, both he and I
agree it's an adult-themed novel that, in an ideal world, would be
marketed to and read by adults. Such is the business of making money
on something, though. The school librarian here agreed. She loved
it, wanted to talk about it. However, she said that if we put a copy
in the library, because it's me, and I work there, folks will be
taking it out, reading it and reading into it, and there would be the
potential to get either myself or the school in trouble with
conservative parents, or parents of young children.

I can send you a copy of the galleys as well, if you like, so that if
you want to continue to give me nudges, it is forever appreciated. I
just want you to know what you're promoting so that I don't,
inadvertently, embarrass you or make you feel mislead.

The ethics behind this, for me, have been frustrating and very grey.
I feel like it's very good writing and good stories. Sometimes
immature, but wholly good. However, it's difficult for me to have
everyone be so supportive when I know, if they read it, they may be
angry, or disagree with it - be angry at me or disappointed in my
choices of topics. It is even more difficult for me to personally
promote the book when I'm so familiar with the content and so familiar
with a parent's, library's or school's goals in giving children
exposure to positive modeling for life. The morals and values in the
book are ultimately good - there is subtle negativity on things that
are destructive. However, some children and some adults may not read
it that way - people may read it in any way they choose. That is the
good and the bad of literature.

I just wanted you to know.

Jen

QUOTE: (Mendelbomb @ Jul 25 2007, 7:03 PM)
I'm can't say for sure, but i think god produced this video

So, things are good for me but I miss you guys. I speak to Russ pretty often and that's really nice cos I'm a Russ fan. However, everyone else, I've been less than communicative - even those of you who still invite me places (believe me, I want to go so badly, but I'm having trouble)

To be honest, everything in my life changed all at once. I did the three things that you're only supposed to do one at a time: changed my relationship status, moved, and got a new job (twice on all counts). So, I think it's going to take me a while to recover. I feel a lot older than I did a year ago. I still look pretty much the same, though. God bless $10/month gyms.

Nyack is good, and if you plan on coming to the area, I'll meet up with you. Or you can see my sweet digs. I'm also officially Director of Technology at Saddle River Day School as of tomorrow. I had a weird but nice two weeks working side-by-side with Neil (for those of you who don't know who Neil is, ask your local CNS employee).

I have the scary job of changing things my first two weeks there. We're upgrading servers from Netware 6.0 to ??? (I'm tempted to move away from Netware only because it's a solution for a much bigger place than we've got), upgrading from Groupwise to ??? (no one here really uses groupwise's features, so I'm tempted to move down to something a little more simple like IMAP - or GOOGLE APPS, RAWK), installing 20 projectors and screens into classrooms, re-configuring the Wireless infrastructure AND purchasing new laptops for the teachers in time for late August.

And that's just the stuff that Neil told me we have to do. Like, I showed up into this - I didn't want to change anything.

However, since change is happening big time, I have to do some quick thinking on how I want it to happen. My scariest problem is switching to Apple. I think I might. At least for the faculty laptops. However, they've been *promised* tablet PCs by Neil. This is a point of contention for me, mostly because I don't agree with the reasoning that went into it. So, I plan on not being very popular when everyone returns. I also plan on installing Windows on every single laptop we buy, PC or Mac. At least our Microsoft Liscence will cover it.

So, if you have a moment, comment back and tell me how you are. I really do, honestly, miss you. However, I have trouble coming back and reading LJs. Don't fault me. I had a hard year. However, seeing some painted lightswitches on Flickr this AM made me feel all sappy, so I had to update.

On the relationship front, I've been keeping secrets, mostly because I still feel conflicted about last September. Russ is one of the best people, hands down, that I know. Period. That I probably will ever know. You probably feel the same way. And although I think both of us agree the move was a good one, that doesn't change how much it hurt(s) and how hard the decision was to come to and live with.

Russellsent me this early this AM. I haven't even brought myself to read it yet.

I'm the most heartbroken girl you've ever known.

The end.

Life is getting good again, and I'm applying to K-8 Schools in the area for the fall. And I'm consulting. Here's a nugget to fill some space:

[15:54] Nina Westbury: i'm dating a jamaican guy!
[15:56] jenniever: ho!
[15:56] jenniever: hot!
[15:56] jenniever: not ho!
[15:56] jenniever: oh god!
[15:56] jenniever: i didn't mean that!
[15:57] jenniever: i'm a horrible person!
[15:57] jenniever: i meant that it was hot!
[15:57] jenniever: not that you were a ho!
[15:57] jenniever: oh geeze...
[15:57] Nina Westbury: HA HA HA, i love you
[15:57] jenniever: i feel really stupid
[15:58] Nina Westbury: ha ha, why, i know it was a typo
[15:59] jenniever: one time I typed 'shit' when i meant 'ship'
[15:59] jenniever: and I was typing that 'I'm just a ship lost at sea'
[15:59] jenniever: that was a terrible mental image
[15:59] Nina Westbury: one time i typed prostitute when i meant sweater

My dad just wrote me an email asking how "it" was going.

By "it", he meant everything. I've changed a lot of things in the last few months and at this point, he's stopped listing them and just started calling them a collective "it." Bless his heart.

I have an offer on an apartment in Yonkers that's very adult - and by adult, I mean it has a jacuzzi, hardwood floors, marble countertops, marble bathroom floor, all new fixtures and a FUCKING TERRACE (not to mention a parking space). Lots of closets and two big fucking rooms (EIK/Living Room & Bedroom - both 14' by 14'). Somehow, my real estate agent found this place in my price range, walking distance from a train, in a really nice building and in a nice neighborhood. And if I get it, it'll be all mine. She's a saint and deserves my undying devotion. Now if I can only get past the Co-Op board...

Job is good, too. Starts on the 16th and I'm nervous as hell to be working for a place that's so uppity. Have to buy some new classy clothes, man. Walter says he'll bring the LeoTV kids by for a visit and I think that'd be hella nice.

Things are OK. Once my health insurance starts again, I'm starting in with a very good therapist who can hopefully work me off of the Prozac eventually. As a side note, god bless Prozac. I'd forgotten to take it for two days last week and woke up in the morning of day three with really bad anxiety. And I'd forgotten how it felt completely - I guess that means it's working and, goddamn, I don't miss that shit at all. I'm totally not forgetting to take it again.

I'm no ignoring any of you. I just have a lot of shit going on. Be patient, and when I'm no longer homeless or jobless, I'll have more time and more happiness, and therefore, I'll be much better about getting back to you.

Jen

So, Arana emailed me an MP3 of One Day More this AM - I got it just after I finished filling out my Exit Interview Form and found out that they're actually firing me prior to my resignation date. They couldn't wait 9 days.

Tomorrow is my last day of work. It's a half day. I'm going to have a hard time going to work tomorrow. And then I'm going to have a hard time leaving. I feel numb about all of this. I hope this only leads to something better for me.

I saw two more apartments last night that were nearing excellence. One place, I almost took out my checkbook, but I just didn't feel quite at home yet. It was super-nice, though, and all utilities were included. Super nice. So, we're getting somewhere.


I'm hoping at some point, I break down and cry for a day so I get all of this built up whatever out of my system and I can move forward feeling like everything is behind me.

Let's be frank: It's been a hell of a year for me. But, it's almost over. This is my last week at the place that pretty much ruined my life for a brief period.

I looked at apartments this weekend - three that were only so-so. The nice part about all of them, though, is that they would be 100% mine if I took them and I could afford them. I've got two jobs that are offering me good amounts of money to move from The School when my time is up here. One of them I'm actually very enthusiastic about - it's at the Columbia Business School, which is swimming in dough, and they really seem to like me. So, this transition is fine. I knew I'd be fine. I just didn't feel that way. And doing close to 13 hour days for the last three months hasn't helped me keep perspective on things. I know I'm very very tired and I'm not processing things the way I should. I'm calling a therapist on Columbia's health plan today. I paid off my credit card bills. My last tie to Hoboken is a gym membership that I have to cancel. I'm ready to move on from all this shit.

What have we learned from this? Change fucking hurts, but life is too precious and time is too short to not change when you're not happy.


I'm ready for a vacation. I have been since last March. If I can get through this bit, and I'm alive in January, I'm ready to blow the two grand I've saved on it. Dear God, it's time.